Ringkih

pict from here

hari ini berjalan seperti biasa. masih sibuk dengan penantian yang tidak tahu kapan akan memulai hal yang baru tersebut. aku masih bersabar menikmati hidup yang sangat lain terasa.

bangun pagi dengan badan yang letih, tak tahu kenapa. mungkin karena tidur yang entah mulai jam berapa. menarik nafas dalam, memandang ke cermin, melihat sosok kuyu di dalamnya. apakah itu aku? yah, siapa lagi? aku yang memandangnya, tentu saja aku yang di tampilkannya. kemudian berasak untuk memulai apa yang bisa aku lakukan hari ini. semua hal yang aku sendiri kadang tidak menyadari sedang melakukan apa. sepertinya ada ketidak sinkronan antara perbuatan dan pikiranku.

sering kali aku harus menarik nafas dalam, untuk melenyapkan semua yang melintas di pikiran. kadang tak mau untuk membiarkannya hinggap seketika, tapi bayangan dan sesakan dari rentetan kejadian itu masih memberikan suatu hentakan dan mempersempit ruang bernafasku. aku mendesah sambil menarik nafas dalam lagi. aku diliputi rasa yang sangat tidak mengenakkan seperti ini.

ketika rasa itu semakin menyesakkan aku ingin malam segera menjelang. membiarkan aku hidup dalam kesunyian dan keheningannya. terbawa larut dalam rasa yang tidak berkesudahan ini. disana aku merasa sendiri, tercampakkan, dan tersisih. aku lelah,,sangat lelah. jika saja bisa kupejamkan mata dan ketika membukanya kembali aku berharap sesak ini bisa tertepis. tapi ini sebuah lembaran pahit yang harus aku hadapi. di hari-hariku juga dalam mimpiku. semua harus kuyakinkan, bahwa itulah hidupku. tak boleh berandai-andai, karena memang itu yang sedang aku jalani.

jika malam sudah semakin larut, dan tubuh ringkihku sudah minta dibaringkan, aku menurut dengan sisa kekuatanku. mungkin ia bisa kurehatkan, tapi sesak itu tetap selalu ada disana. aku ingin mengusirnya pergi. tapi ia tersenyum sinis, tidurlah, aku akan menemanimu, jawabnya. dan aku menyerah membiarka dunia mimpiku juga dikuasainya.

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dizzy

what should I do?

aku muak dengan segala ini. apa yang ditangiskannya? kenapa aku yang diratapinya?

kenapa disaat aku mulai meneguhkan hati untuk mengambil sikap, dia menjadi seperti ini?

aku hanya ingin pergi,, just let me go..

I will try, I won't hate you...

I will try, I accept all that you have done to me

but, please, dont be like this.

dizzy

My Wish

I never see that girl before, but along this week, she always comes to the bench of the park in front of my small apartment. I can see her face clearly from my room window on the third floor.

Firstly, I didn’t care but after a few days I paid attention to her cos she usually come on 9 pm and sit on the bench that I usually spend my time before let the sun sets. Reading a book while seeing the children play arround the park or having a nice talking with Mrs.Verdons or others neighbour after back from my work. But I come to that park only in the afternoon not in the late of the night. So what does the young girl do? I dunno…maybe she likes to spend her night by walking and sitting outside. Yeahh…one person has their own way, like me, I love to sit down under the window just for seeing the stars in the dark sky.

Tonight, on 9.45 pm. She is there, sit down on the bench. Too many questions on my mind. I wanna know her much. I wanna know how interested to be there. I wear my veil and take my jacket, I think it’s cold outside. I leave my room and flying down the stairs. In a few minutes I arrive at that park.

She doesn’t aware my visiting.I don’t wanna disturb her after I look her sad face…but who knows she needs help.. yeah..she has problem I quess. Itry to make her realize my coming by having a little cough.

            “mg…mgh…It’s a beautiful night, isn’t it?”

She takes her head up, say nothing and turn arround. I know she doesn’t like me to bother her. I come near and sit with her on the bench. I give my hand and smile.

            “Hi..I’m Yvonne..”

But  she isn’t shaking my hand. She just keep silent, looks at me then stands up.. but  I can reach her hand.

            “Sorry..if you are mind I’ll go..”

I leave her alone. On my way to my room, I’m still thinking what kinda problem she has. I come to my window room..She is still there. ‘Poor girl, Allah will help her’ what I’m thinking while I close my window.

#

I walk hurriedly. So cold tonight. The autumn wheather isn’t so friendly. The wind blows down. Uugghhh.. sitting in front of tv and having a coffee after taking a bath with warm water is my fancy now. Hey.. forget that fancy..That girl..I dunno her name yet.. still sitting on that bench..oh..crazy girl.. what is she doing there in such this weather. I scream out to call her..

            “Hey, girl…!! ”

She doesn’t hear my voice or she doesn’t want to. I come to her and try to invite her to come in.

“I don’t care you are mind or not..I just want to remind you what kinda   weather tonight. It’s not the right place to spend your night. You’ll got flu if you are still here.You listen to me..Come to your house..Hey..say a word..”

She takes her head up and looks at me. Oh, God... She is crying. She makes me feel guilty.

             “Oh, sorry..I didn’t mean to hurt you. Sorry, but you know the weather, right. The wind blows down. You’ll be sick if you stay heretoo long..”

She is still crying silently. I dunno what to do. Leave her? No..I have to help her.   I’m sure she has a problem. That’s why I hold on her arm to my flat.

            “Yvonne…”

I turm back my body. I know that voice, Mrs Verdons calls me.

            “Where are you from? I’m so worried, dear...It’s so late now.”

I smile to her..

            “I’ve to work overtime. Sorry, Nana, I’ve made you worried.”

She smiles back to me..

            “It’s okey, dear..mm..Who’s that girl?”

            “I’ll tell you ‘bout her tomorrow. Have a nice sleep, Nana...”

I kiss her old chick. She nods her head and turns back his body to her room.

I open the door and let that young girl come in. I help her to take off her long coat and then I make two cups of hot coffee. I offer her and sit in front her.

             “I don’t understand what’s wrong with you and I don’t wanna come to your problem, but I just wanna help...Everyday I saw you at that park..at the bench..I’m sure you have problem...That’s why you don’t care ‘bout the weather.”

I try to make her smiles but it doesn’t work. She still keeps silent. I’m so confuse.

             “Okey..I wanna sleep. If you wanna stay here..these are the pillow and blanket. Sorry, I just have one bedroom. I think you don’t mind to sleep on this sofa.”

When I wake up from my sit and walk to my room..

            “I miss my mom..”

I stop my step and come again to her. I see her peacely.

             “Today is her birthday. I can’t give her something in her special day. She is so far now.”

             “May I know where your mom is?”

             “The God has got her from my side...”

             “I’m sorry...”

             “I dunno what to do without my mom. We always be together. She always in my side. She made me smile up to this world. She swept my tears when I was in pain. She is my angel. We had a wonderful life and now that’s all gone before I can repay all her love. I’m alone..I don’t have anyone to share.”

             “Your pa?”

             “He leaved us when I was eight. They were divorce. I really hate him till now in my last sixteenth. But you know, I live with him and his wife now. I can’t accept his regret..I can’t forgive him.”

             “No, girl. Think it again. That’s all the past. Don’t make your live is so blue. You have a complete family now. Just enjoy it. You have a new life. Don’t torture yourself. I’m sure your mom doesn’t want to look you like this.”

I touch her hand. I give her support.

             “Believe in me. Your dad really loves you. I know it’s hard but please try..accept him and your step mom as your family. You want to repay your mom’s love, right ?”

She nods her head..

             “Be a good daughter for your mom. She doesn’t wanna see you’re sad. Live your life and always pray for her. She lives there peacely.”

I nod my head to make her strong. She smiles. I’m success to make her smiles.

             “What ‘bout your mother, Yvonne?”

             “Mother? I never know who parent are. I lived and grew in orphanage. Where I can stand on my on legs and having a work, I stay here alone. No mother..no father..no sibling..but I have friends..I have Mrs Verdons..She is like my real nana. I’ve ever thought how poor I’m when I was as young as you, but I came to the fact..I must alive..I must survive.

             Don’t you know how’s my longing to see my mom’s face. I’m sure the both of my parent really love me, but the condition makes us apart.”

             “What are you doing when your miss your mom ?”

             “Pray to the God to let me see her someday..today world or the world here after. Make a wish for your mom..”

She smiles and lies her head to the pillow. I cover her body with blanket and walk to my room.

            “Yvonne..”

I turn back..

            “Thank you.”

I smile..

            “Hey, do you mind to tell me your name?”

            “Angela...That’s my name.”

            “Have a nice sleep, Angela...”

I close the door and lie down on the bed. In silently, the tears well up from my eyes.”Allah, I miss my mom….I love you, mom …wherever you are..”

Special for my mummy,

I  love U so much

First of All

I didn't know what's on my mind last night, till I decided to make this blog. Just to say something in different way. That's why i named this blog with "Just Say It Sha". Yeah, this blog just for making myself fun, and this is my private blog. If you come here intentionally, just make yourself fun with the 'say it' and my poor english,,, hahahaha,, :D

Okay, pals,, enjoy it :)